The Best Gift Physicians Can Give Themselves This Holiday
The Best Gift You Can Give Yourself This Holiday Season?
Choosing what you want, not what you feel you “should” do.
Physicians are masters of responsibility. We say yes because someone needs us. We show up because people rely on us. We push aside our own needs because the world around us seems to depend on our consistency, our expertise, our presence. But during the holidays, that instinct can become something heavy: a season built entirely around “shoulds.”
I should go to this event. Host dinner. Volunteer for one more shift. Keep everyone happy. Pull it together.
In the process, we lose sight of what we actually want. This year, the best gift you can give yourself is not something wrapped. It is permission. Permission to choose based on values, not obligation. To listen to your internal compass. To live this season in a way that feels like you.
Think this is just feel-good holiday advice? It is not. The evidence base for values-based decision-making as a well-being intervention is stronger than the evidence base for most medications you prescribe daily. Keep reading.
Key Points
- Values-aligned choices reduce physician burnout and emotional exhaustion.
- Saying yes out of obligation triggers stress, resentment, and decision fatigue.
- Choosing what you want activates intrinsic motivation, linked to better physician well-being and fulfillment.
- Physicians who practice values-driven decision-making report less moral injury and greater joy.
- Holiday well-being improves when you intentionally limit obligations and cultivate presence.
Why We Default to “Should” (and What It Costs)
Training conditions physicians to associate self-worth with being dependable, self-sacrificing, and endlessly available. Behavioral science calls this identity-based obligation: when your sense of self becomes tied to meeting external expectations. While this seems admirable on first pass, it carries real costs. Acting from obligation links to:
- Increased sympathetic nervous system activation (the stress response)
- Higher levels of resentment
- Decreased emotional presence
- Reduced overall life satisfaction
- Increased risk of burnout in healthcare professionals
One study in Psychological Science showed that people who act from obligation experience significantly lower well-being and higher physiological stress markers, even when the activity itself is positive. For physicians who already operate at elevated baseline stress, this dynamic amplifies.
The Power of Choosing What You Want
When you make a decision based on what you genuinely want, or what aligns with your values, you activate a different psychological pathway entirely.
Values-aligned living increases:
- Intrinsic motivation
- Sense of autonomy
- Emotional clarity
- Resilience under stress
- Personal satisfaction
Research from Self-Determination Theory (SDT) shows that autonomy is a core psychological need. When we choose freely rather than from pressure, we experience lower cortisol, improved mood, better executive functioning, and deeper satisfaction from the same activities. The same holiday gathering feels entirely different when you chose it versus when you felt trapped into it.
Three Evidence-Backed Practices for This Holiday Season
1. Name Your Values First, Before Saying Yes or No
Values act like a compass. When you feel unclear about them, you drift toward obligation by default. When you feel anchored in them, decisions become easier and faster.
Try a quick values check-in before any significant decision this season:
- What matters most to me right now?
- How do I want to feel this holiday?
- What do I want to remember about this year?
- Which choices move me toward the life I am trying to build?
Physicians who engage in values clarification show significant reductions in burnout, according to multiple studies in JAMA and Mayo Clinic Proceedings.
My Personal Story: Learning to Choose Presence Over Pressure
When I first started practicing, I felt pressure not to take extra time off around the holidays. I was single with no kids, not tied to the school calendar like many colleagues. It seemed relatively easy to pack up at the end of the day, drive to see my extended family, and hurry back a few days later.
Here is the problem: I was miserable. I spent the drive home frantically finishing work, arrived too depleted to be present, and left before I had actually recovered. It took two years of trying to do it all before I realized it was not worth it.
Now I use my vacation days to be fully present. That shift, from obligation to intentional choice, transformed my holidays and my approach to work-life balance as a physician.
2. Replace “I Should” with “I Choose”
This is one of the most powerful, research-supported tools for shifting from obligation to autonomy. Research in cognitive behavioral therapy shows that simple language shifts reduce guilt, anxiety, and the sense of being trapped.
Instead of “I should attend this party,” try: “I get to decide whether attending this party supports the kind of season I want.”
Instead of “I should host,” try: “I can choose based on my energy and values.”
The personal story above illustrates this directly. I told myself I “should” work the holidays because my schedule was less complicated than others. No one imposed that expectation. I created it. Recognizing that was the turning point.
3. Choose One Thing Just for You
Not for your kids, your partner, your patients, or your department. Specifically for you.
Research from positive psychology shows that protecting a small number of personal “non-negotiables” produces improved mood, greater resilience, increased subjective well-being, and reduced holiday stress. It does not matter how small it is. A walk with your dog, an hour of quiet reading, an evening making a big meal, or a weekend getaway. The size does not matter. The ownership does.
The Deeper Reason This Matters
Burnout does not come only from workload. It comes from losing yourself.
Choosing what you want is not selfish. It is protective. It is how you recover your identity, your clarity, your presence, and your joy. This holiday season, give yourself the gift you have given to thousands of others: permission to matter.
A Reflection on Family Traditions
I am the oldest of seven kids, raised in the same town my parents grew up in. With two sets of grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, Christmas was a multi-day event with its own distinct mini-traditions for each branch of the family.
As I have gotten older, maintaining parts of those traditions is something I do for myself and my immediate family. The traditions matter to me, and sharing them with my kids and partner keeps my childhood memories alive. Relationships and traditions matter most. But here is the key: I choose which ones to keep based on what brings me joy, not what I feel obligated to maintain.
Ready to build a practice of values-based decision-making throughout the year? Schedule a free coaching consultation with Dr. Ben Reinking to explore physician coaching focused on well-being, autonomy, and sustainable clinical practice.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do physicians struggle to prioritize themselves during the holidays?
Training conditions physicians to associate self-worth with constant availability and self-sacrifice. This conditioning operates largely automatically by the time physicians reach practice. Research shows that chronic obligation-based behavior increases emotional exhaustion and physician burnout — making the holidays, when personal and professional demands converge, a particularly high-risk period.
Is choosing what I want considered selfish?
No. Studies on autonomy and well-being show that values-driven choices improve empathy, presence, and emotional regulation. When physicians take care of themselves, they show up better for patients, colleagues, and family. Self-care is not the opposite of generosity. It sustains it.
How do I say no without feeling guilty?
Replace “I should” with “I choose.” Pair the reframe with a values reminder: “This choice supports the kind of season I want.” Research in cognitive behavioral therapy shows that this simple language shift reduces guilt and increases psychological flexibility significantly over time.
Can small choices really affect burnout?
Yes. Research across psychology, neuroscience, and behavioral economics shows that micro-decisions aligned with personal values significantly reduce chronic stress and improve long-term satisfaction. Burnout prevention does not require large structural changes. It requires consistent small choices that accumulate into a life that feels chosen rather than imposed.
What if my family has expectations I do not want to meet?
Communicate clearly and early. Explain what matters most to you this season before the situation requires a last-minute refusal. Studies show that direct, early communication reduces conflict and increases emotional closeness, even when expectations change. Most people respond better to honest advance notice than to reluctant compliance or sudden withdrawal.
How do I know whether a decision aligns with my values?
Ask two questions: Does this feel expansive or constricting? Does it move me toward or away from the life I am trying to build? Values-aligned choices tend to produce clarity and a sense of ease, even when they are difficult. Obligation-driven choices tend to produce tension, dread, and resentment, even when they look right from the outside.
About the Author Dr. Ben Reinking is a practicing pediatric cardiologist, certified physician coach, and founder of The Developing Doctor. He writes about physician well-being, values-based living, and the science behind sustainable medical careers. Learn more at thedevelopingdoctor.com.
Updated April 2026
