The Best Gift Physicians Can Give Themselves This Holiday
The Best Gift You Can Give Yourself This Holiday Season?
Key Points (TL;DR)
- Values-aligned choices reduce physician burnout and emotional exhaustion
- Saying yes out of obligation triggers stress, resentment, and decision fatigue
- Choosing what you want activates intrinsic motivation—linked to better physician well-being and fulfillment
- Physicians who practice values-driven decision-making report less moral injury and greater joy
- Holiday well-being improves when you intentionally limit obligations and cultivate presence
Why We Default to “Should” (and What It Costs Us)
Physicians are conditioned during training, residency, and early career to associate self-worth with being dependable, self-sacrificing, and endlessly available. Behavioral science calls this identity-based obligation: when your sense of self becomes tied to meeting external expectations. While this seems admirable on first pass, it is actually pretty harmful. Doing things out of obligation is linked to:
- Increased sympathetic nervous system activation (stress response)
- Higher levels of resentment
- Decreased emotional presence
- Reduced overall life satisfaction
- Increased risk of burnout in healthcare professionals
One study in Psychological Science showed that people who act out of obligation experience significantly lower well-being and higher physiological stress markers, even if the activity is positive.
For physicians—who already operate with elevated baseline stress—this is amplified.
The Power of Choosing What You Want (The Science Behind It)
When you make a decision based on what you genuinely want—or what aligns with your values—you activate an entirely different psychological pathway.
Values-aligned living increases:
- Intrinsic motivation
- Sense of autonomy
- Emotional clarity
- Resilience under stress
- Personal satisfaction
Research from Self-Determination Theory (SDT) shows that autonomy is a core psychological need. When we choose freely, rather than from pressure, we experience:
- Lower cortisol
- Improved mood
- Better executive functioning
- Deeper satisfaction from the same activity
In other words, the same holiday activity feels entirely different when you choose it.
How to Give Yourself the Gift of Autonomy This Holiday Season
Below are three evidence-backed practices you can integrate immediately.
1. Name Your Values First (Before Saying Yes or No)
Values act like a compass. When you’re unclear about them, you drift toward obligation. When you’re anchored in them, decisions become easier.
Try a quick values check-in:
- What matters most to me this season?
- How do I want to feel this holiday season?
- What do I want to remember about this year?
- Which choices align with the life I’m trying to build?
Physicians who engage in values clarification show significant reductions in burnout, according to multiple studies in JAMA and Mayo Clinic Proceedings.
My Personal Story: Learning to Choose Presence Over Pressure
When I first started practicing, I felt pressure not to take extra time off around the holidays. I was single. I didn’t have kids and wasn’t tied to the school calendar like some of my colleagues. It was relatively easy for me to pack up at the end of the day, drive to see my extended family, and then hurry back a few days later to work the week between Christmas and New Year’s.
Here’s the problem: I was miserable.
I was frantically trying to finish up at work so I could make it home in time for family traditions and was not home long enough to relax and be present before I zipped out the door and drove the 300 miles back to work. It took 2 years of trying to do it all before I realized it wasn’t worth it.
Now, I use my vacation days so I can be fully present. This shift, from obligation to intentional choice, transformed my holidays, and my approach to work-life balance as a physician.
2. Replace “I should” with “I choose” (Cognitive Reframing)
This is one of the most powerful, research-supported tools for shifting from obligation to autonomy.
Example:
Instead of “I should attend this party,” try: “I choose whether attending this party supports the kind of season I want.”
Research in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) shows that simple language shifts can dramatically reduce guilt, anxiety, and the sense of being trapped by obligations.
Instead of saying to yourself, “I should go, try “I get to decide if this matters to me.” Or replace “I should host” with “I can choose based on my energy and values.”
Physicians who practice cognitive reframing report improved emotional health and increased self-efficacy.
The story I shared earlier is a perfect example of this. I told myself that I “should” be the one working because my schedule was less complicated than others. No one else set that expectation for me. I made it up.
3. Choose One Thing Just for You (Your Holiday Non-Negotiable)
Not for your kids, not for your partner, not for your patients, not for your department. For you.
Research from positive psychology shows that people who protect a small number of personal “non-negotiables” experience:
- Improved mood
- Greater resilience
- Increased subjective well-being
- Reduced holiday stress
It doesn’t matter what it is. Is can be something small like a walk with your dog, an hour of quiet reading a night making a big meal or if can be something big like a weekend get away to the beach. The size doesn’t matter. The ownership does.
The Deeper Reason This Matters: Autonomy Protects Your Joy
Burnout doesn’t only come from workload. It comes from losing yourself. R
Choosing what you want isn’t selfish—it’s protective. It’s how you recover your identity, your clarity, your presence, and your joy.
This holiday season, give yourself the gift you’ve given to thousands of others: permission to matter.
What Really Matters: A Reflection on Family Traditions
I am the oldest of 7 kids. I grew up in the same town that my parents did. We were fortunate to have 2 sets of grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins around. With that much family, Christmas was a multi-day event with time dedicated to different parts of my extended family, each with its own mini traditions.
As I have gotten older, maintaining parts of those traditions is something I do for myself and my immediate family. The traditions matter to me, and sharing those traditions with my kids and partner keeps my childhood memories (and the people tied to them) alive in my heart.
At the end of the day—it is relationships and traditions that matter most. But here’s the key: I choose which traditions to keep based on what brings me joy, not what I feel obligated to maintain.
FAQs (Evidence-Based and SEO-Optimized)
1. Why do physicians struggle to prioritize themselves during the holidays?
Medical culture rewards self-sacrifice and constant availability. This leads physicians to default to obligation rather than desire. Research shows that chronic obligation-based behavior increases emotional exhaustion and physician burnout.
2. Is choosing what I want considered selfish?
No. Studies on autonomy and well-being show that values-driven choices improve empathy, presence, and emotional regulation. When you take care of yourself, you show up better for others—a crucial aspect of physician self-care.
3. How do I say no without feeling guilty?
Use cognitive reframing: “I choose” instead of “I should.” Pair it with a values reminder: “This choice supports my well-being.” Research shows reframing reduces guilt and increases psychological flexibility.
4. Can small choices really impact burnout?
Yes. Research across psychology, neuroscience, and behavioral economics shows that micro-decisions that align with your values significantly reduce stress and improve long-term satisfaction—essential for preventing burnout in healthcare.
5. What if my family has expectations I don’t want to meet?
Communicate clearly and early. Explain what matters most to you this season. Studies show that direct communication reduces conflict and increases emotional closeness—even when expectations change.
6. How do I know if a decision aligns with my values?
Ask: Does this feel expansive or constricting? Does it move me toward or away from the life I want? Values tend to create clarity and ease; obligations tend to create tension and dread.
Final Thoughts: Your Permission Slip
As physicians, we’re trained to put everyone else first. While that is admirable, this holiday season, consider this your official permission slip to choose differently. To choose based on what brings you joy, peace, and presence—not what you think you should do.
The best gift you can give yourself isn’t found in any store. It’s the gift of autonomy, of choice, of living aligned with your values. And when you give yourself this gift, you model for your patients, your colleagues, and your loved ones that physician well-being matters too.
Remember: The same holiday activity feels entirely different when you choose it.
